Here I am, sitting on the carpet in my room, surrounded by tons of objects. I made a huge mess, the door can barely open, I can’t get out until I organize it. I feel like in prison. I’m prisoned by my own belongings.
I built this prison myself. I like stuff. You know, I’m a girly girl and I like stuff. I like clothes and shoes, bags and hats. I like jewelry, I like cosmetics. I like books, I collect souvenirs. Oh and I like pretty jackets, I have so many of them. And boots, when it’s cold. And scarfs, they always need to fit my outfit. You see, this list never ends. I just like stuff.
I’ve been collecting them since I remember. I gave away or threw many of them on the way of course but still, my belongings always followed me, no matter if I stayed in Poland or somewhere else. Every time I moved to another city or country I took so much with me. One suitcase was never enough. I always paid for extra luggage or asked my family or friends to bring me more stuff (or send them to me). The funniest thing about it is that I didn’t even like living in this tower built of my belongings but I kept doing it for years.
This time is different though. I know that this time I can’t take much with me. It’s not only that I can’t, I DON’T WANT TO. I’m going to travel and I will have to carry everything on my back. I don’t like to carry heavy stuff, I get tired very fast. I don’t want to be prisoned by my belongings again. For this trip I bought myself a small backpack, only 60 liters. I have a bigger one but I knew, that if I will decide to take it with me I will fill it with stuff and I won’t be able to carry it. I don’t want that.
I’m very happy of freeing myself from objects but I’m scared at the same time. This gonna be a long trip, how I’m gonna make it with two pairs of leggings and 3 t-shirts? I have no idea. I’m taking only summer clothes but what will happen when it starts to get cold? How I’m gonna fit heavy sweaters in this tiny backpack? Will I be able to wear hills in the next year or so? Will I ever look like a girly girl on the road or I will remind a vagabond giving my parents a hard time recognizing me on the pictures? I have no idea. Don’t understand me wrong, I’m not making this trip about the look, not at all, but it will be a big change. I leave all my stuff behind and it excites and scares me at the same time.
When I started to pack I thought that it’s only about the objects. That I have to free myself from stuff and that’s it. Only when organizing and selecting I realized that it’s much more than that. We are attached to much more than superficial objects.
I want to get unattached from the past. Past is past and I can’t do anything about that. No regrets, no “what if’s”, no trying to open locked doors. I don’t want to carry my past with me, I want to remember the lessons I’ve learned but I don’t want it on my trip because It can be heavier than my objects and it can kill all the fun. I don’t want any nostalgia to follow me, I don’t want to carry my exes on my shoulders. I’m not planning on packing other people’s opinion about me and I’m not going to look for their approval of my lifestyle on the way. I’m leaving behind guilt, self-doubt and indecision – life is too short for being attached to those as it’s too short for being attached to all the girly objects I’ve collected during 27 years of my life. If I can make it without them then I can make it without all those negative emotions as well.
Together with my two pair of leggings and 3 t-shirts I decided to take a lot of positive energy, hope, self-love and sense of humor to survive bad hair days and wearing the same clothes again days 😉 Of course there is place for bikini (yeah, swimming time!) and my computer, that right now makes all those trips possible.
I won’t lie to you, I’m just a human (or better said, a woman) and it makes me a bit sad to shut the door of the closet knowing that I won’t make a use of any of those things for a long time (hopefully my lucky sister will) but I’m really eager to experience the life without being attached to objects and other freedom-suckers mentioned above.
Remember, the door is blocked and I can’t leave the room until I clean it so wish me luck with that or I will die from starvation 😉