Happy birthday to me and big Mazal Tov for being able to survive on this completely crazy world for so many years. If you think that this post will be some kind of self-pity piece of a sad and lonely lady that just turned 30, you are wrong. Do not let the headline to confuse you – don’t let your own judgement on what “real” happiness is assume what it means to other people.
When I was a little girl I thought, that by the age of 20 I will have everything figured out. The profession, the relationship, the money. When I turned 20 and I still haven’t reached that point I thought, oh well, let’s give myself few more years, let’s travel and see the world and then everything will become clear. So those years passed and I turned 25 and guess what? Everything was a mess, I didn’t know what I want more than ever, and the level of confusion regarding who I really was was more overwhelming than I could possibly bear. Everything but one thing changed during that time – me being naive and still believe that by the age of 30 I will be set for life, like FOR SURE.
So here I’m confessing to the whole world not only that I’m not set, but also that I don’t believe that I can ever really be, in a traditional way of understanding this subject. Set means still and we and the world are constantly changing. Believing that we can ever reach the point where everything will be figured out is not really convincing me anymore, and looking for a stability and a safe place that many times require compromising our core believes or feelings is completely out of question.
Trying to fit into this reality in which we are obliged to follow one life pattern without questioning our behaviour and taking everything as it is without reflecting on anything was a very big struggle for me during those 30 years. Many times, I felt that I’m weird because I didn’t desire things that most of the people do. There were countless days and nights when I questioned my life choices struggling to understand why I don’t see a certain aspect of life the same way other people do. Some of that stuff were a great mystery to me and some were just ridiculous – either way, I felt excluded and many times misjudged.
I still have a lot of understanding to do and I hope that I will live long enough to comprehend some of the stuff that trouble me, but there are things that are more than certain and thanks to them, although I don’t have a stable home, and I’m not in any romantic relationship, and my bank account is almost empty, I’m not homeless, lonely or broke.
Not having a home VS being home everywhere I go
Yes, right now I don’t have a home. I don’t rent or own a physical place where I can put my own furniture and decorate it anyway I want. I don’t pay a rent or a bank loan and no place I can call mine. However, I feel home almost everywhere I used to live or stayed for some time. I’m not rooted in any place but not because I can’t, but because I don’t want to. Every time I go to Spain or Israel or the Philippines I’m home. Every time I travel to a new place that I fell in love with I call it home. Home can be anywhere where my soul can blossom and my heart can feel at peace. The whole world is my home including underwater where in fact, I feel like I’m home the most.
Not having a romantic relationship VS surrounding yourself with love
For a reason unknown, romantic relationships are THE relationships. Finding a partner and having a family is THE goal for many, so many. Not that I think that it is not a great goal and not that I have something against it, but it always upsets me how we limit ourselves to one main relationship in our life. Like we can truly and really love only one person and it has to be through romantic love. We, humans, are so much more than that. We have so much capacity to love and we restrict ourselves so terribly. I have so many beautiful relationships that give me love and fulfilment that although I’m single I’m sure not lonely or lacking love – on the contrary! Love is everywhere, love is in what we say and what we do, and we can share it with our family, friends and strangers, not forgetting all the living creatures. Love is all you need they say and I agree – what I don’t agree with is that it comes only in one form.
Not having big savings VS living an abundant life
I would lie if I said, that money is not important at all. In the world we are living, and the society we’ve created, it is important, and we somehow depend on it. But money comes and goes and having it does not guarantee happiness. Living abundant life is much more than having some high numbers on your bank account. For me, being rich is being healthy, being able to explore and experience, having people around that care about me and being able to do what I want. No amount of money could ever make me rich If I was lacking the freedom to be authentic or If I was unable to live the life to the fullest, in my own, funny, and many times incomprehensible for others way.
So today, when the time for making a wish for the next 30 years will come, I will put my biggest smile, and simply let myself feel the aliveness and gratitude for the wonderful life I have, and I will embrace and open my heart for everything that is yet to come, because one way or another, it’s gonna be amazing.