I just took the last shower in 2015 and although this shower was nothing different from the showers that I take every day it did feel different. Like every day, I just wanted to wash off all the salt and dirt after a busy day working in a dive center but I felt like I’m washing off much more than that.
For the last few days, I was reflecting on everything that happened this year trying to organize my memories before putting it in a box called 2015. Every year I make such a box and close the chapter in order to move on. I know that it’s only a date in a calendar and nothing really change, but it does have some kind of symbolic meaning to me and I like to use this time of the year to go through everything that happened in my life in the past twelve months.
So many things went through my head when taking the shower today – I thought about all the people that I’ve met and the places that I’ve visited this year. I let this hot water take it all away – the good and the bad, the ugly and the beautiful. Memories were streaming down my body as the water was washing off all the dirt of today and I couldn’t help the feeling that as I can’t stop the water from going down the drain I can’t stop all those things to fade away as well. I’ve tried to catch some water drops in my hands, but it was not possible, sooner or later everything was gone exactly the same like everything that I’ve experienced in 2015. It all passed, it all disappeared, I couldn’t stop it no matter how hard I’ve tried.
I wish I could give the last kiss to some of those memories. I wish I could hold some of them so tight that they would never disappear. I wish some of them never happened and I wish I couldn’t see the scars that they’ve left but it has been just impossible. Nothing could possibly change what have had already happened and nothing could have stopped those memories from finding their way to the almost full box.
At some point I’ve started to feel a bit dizzy – I don’t know if that’s because I was too much on the sun today or maybe because I haven’t been feeling too great for the last couple of days but I do know, that all the scenes of the past year were running through my head way too fast. There was nothing I could do about it because it was already a past – a past that sometimes makes me smile but sometimes haunts me in my dreams.
After getting out of the shower, I opened my little window and sat quietly on the sofa. I’ve closed my eyes and opened the 2015 box for the last time this year. I watched my memories lining up nicely before waving me the last goodbye.
I’ve seen myself struggling on yoga and meditation retreat in Cambodia and I’ve felt again the gratefulness of allowing myself to have this experience that has changed my life so much. I’ve seen my “never to forget” New Years Even in the slums of the Philippines and the dance in the rain that was perhaps the most meaningful dance I’ve ever had. I’ve seen myself struggling on the rescue diver course when I had to carry almost two meter tall guy out of the water and I saw the huge smile on my face when I finally finished my Divemaster internship and passed the snorkel test (a big big satisfaction because this big big Australian man didn’t manage with the alcohol as gracefully as I did).
I’ve seen myself barely walking off the plane in Sydney after getting some kind of tropical fever and the hours I spent in the cold shower trying to lower the 40 degree fever right after arriving to New Zealand. I’ve felt the happiness of arriving to Wellington and seeing my new house and getting to know my new temporary family in the kiwi land. Once again I felt blessed for my beautiful yoga teachers from Pause Yoga and my crazy Irish companion that made my stay on the other half of the globe so unforgettable. I got terrified again thinking about crazy divers from Malaga and the mentally sick guy that was on his way to hurt me. I’ve seen my friends supporting me on all this crazy journey and again, I couldn’t feel anything but grateful for having them. And in the end, I’ve seen myself getting a job in the dive center that let’s be honest, made me work my ass of but most importantly, gave me an opportunity to spend most of my time underwater which is something that has no price for me.
I’ve closed the box and opened my eyes. I’ve felt a weird mix of relief and melancholy. I couldn’t say whether I was sad or happy that this year was gone, but sure I felt excited thinking about brand new and still empty memory box 2016. I really hope that I will be able to fill it with love, laughter, yoga, diving and writing. I hope as well, that there will be a place for new hobbies, new books, new people, adventures, places and hopefully new languages. But more importantly, I hope that my family and friends will still be there all healthy, happy and with hearts full of kindness and understanding.